LIVING IS SO BIG... Healing Process

On May 11, 2012, I climbed upon the stairs upstairs to his room to try to bring him down to come hang out with us. But he didn't want to go. I knew something was wrong, but he didn't want to talk about it. I said I would see him later. And off I went for the night with some friends to go to the canyon.

The next day on May 12, 2012 I received a call at 8 AM that morning and letting me know he committed suicide. My world was shattered and I didn't know how to put it back together. I broke down and cried. I let my roommate hold me in her arms as she tried to comfort in the unspeakable pain I was feeling. Tears ran down my face as I've never felt them before.

I was shocked, hurt, and mad. Most of all, I instantly missed him.

I never experienced someone close to me committing suicide - I didn't even know anyone who had suffered with such depression before. Or maybe I never realized the reality of it. I didn't know how to deal with the pain I was feeling. I didn't know how to express myself. I started to separate myself from some of my friends and I cried a lot. It hurt so much to cry - I literally felt pain in my body as I cried...

The six month mark since it happened was November 12th. It was a weird day. I walked past his house that day expecting him to come out to say hi and give him a hug. But that didn't happen. 

He was a best friend to me. If I was having a bad night, he was the person I would call and he would be there. He was the nicest guy I have ever met - he was willing to do anything for anyone. He knew how to joke and make people laugh. He knew how to make you feel beautiful. He was a wonderful, wonderful person. 

The entire experience of losing him taught me a lot about life, the people I hold close to me, and the way I appreciate life. Losing him was a shock - something I never expected I would experience in my life. But I have learned and continue to do so. As I continue to write articles about my experiences with losing a friend to suicide and healing - I will share my feelings, my fears, my faith, my new appreciation for life, and my continual process of healing.